Helping Women Flourish in Life, Relationships, and Dreams
Fear is a normal response to a lot of situations in life, but we’ve allowed it to become a monster in far too many facets. It can literally destroy us from the inside out. It takes root in our minds and hearts. If we don’t take charge, it can spiral out of control causing us to make unwise and unhealthy decisions and keep us paralyzed in feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.
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We sat in the floor of my small bedroom thumbing through the pages of an old photo album of my past life. Images that showed smiling faces everywhere. Smiles, all smiles. Everything looked like a beautiful life.
As we turned the pages, I pointed out the people he knows, but would not recognize in their earlier ages. He was so interested in learning about them. And then, it was as if the world stopped for both of us.
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Recently I took my shy, 10-year-old grandson shopping for new clothes to wear to my youngest daughter’s engagement party. His mom was recovering from the birth of her third child, so it was great to have undivided time with him.
We perused the t-shirts, collared shirts, and shorts in the boy’s department. Suddenly, he ran ahead of me and plucked a hot pink shirt from the rack confidently stating, “I want this one Grandmother!”
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sisters. My mom is one of four sisters. I have two sisters, my daughters have each other and my grandson has one sister. I have a sister-in-law, but I think of her more as my sister. Then there are friends that are like sisters. Sisters have been on my mind lately.
When I was a child, I couldn’t see the value of having a sister. I mean how does a big sister who has more privileges, and a younger sister who you fight with using weapons like fingernails and hairbrushes make you want to love them? I just couldn’t see it. There are times when sisters are selfish and stay in the bathroom longer than normal, or share by giving you the bite of cake without the icing. Some sisters judge unfairly and leave one feeling inferior and unloved. Sometimes we hang our head and wonder in frustration, God, why did you give me this sister?
We become teenagers and begin to compete with one another in how we attract boys, fight over the hall telephone (, the way we dress, vying for attention from our parents and even who has the prettiest hair! We work hard to be accepted by each other’s friends when all we really want is to get “all eyes on me.”
Years pass, sisters grow up and marry and build their own families. In the process of all this growth something happens. We begin to see that the things we hated about one another when children are the very things we love about one another as adults. We realize there is nothing closer than the bond of a sister and that no one can ever replace the love a sister brings. We raise our hands and whisper, Thank you God for my sister!
In the second half of life, our children leave home to build their own families. Feeling lonely and abandoned, we crave more time with our sisters. We begin to realize that these unique women are gifts from our Creator. We realize that a sister is one who loves us no matter what we have done, where we have been or how we have done it. A sister’s love runs deep; deeper than those without a sister can comprehend. We will do anything for our sister, even to the point of being belittled, mistreated or deceived. None of that matters in the end. We look beyond it. Some might be judgmental of a sister who loves this way. But the sister who lives it knows what she is doing. She is answering a higher call. A call that comes from deep inside. A call to love. This is how people will know you as Mine, it will be your love for one another. Once again we might implore, God, this is so hard, why did you give me this sister?
As we approach the end of our lives, our spouses are gone and we care for one another as a mother cares for her child. We go to the doctor together, give prescribed medications and attend funerals of friends. We cook, laugh and have fun, aware the time is drawing us closer to the end. We savor each moment smiling and remember the past as we sit by roaring fires. Though our hair is grayed, skin is loose and our hands have become feeble, the eyes tell the story of life. When you look deep inside you see love. The voice has changed, “Thank you God for the love my sister has brought into my life! Thank you for teaching me to love. This has to be why God gave me a sister!”
Everyday sisters are caught in the stage of adolescence. They are still vying for the most attention or to be the one in control. This creates division, pain and loss.
When is the last time you told your sister you love her and are thankful for her? Has it been too long? Love never fails. If you are missing out on the joy of sisterhood, search your heart as to why, stretch yourself and pick up the phone. When you whisper I love you, relationships can change.
I think I’ll call my sister right now.
I recently received this letter from a woman I know very well. Though her comments are raw, they are real and what many women experience. She has determined to allow a greater strength than herself to be her power. Her life is changing! I asked her permission to post this writing and she agreed for me to share. I believe others will connect with what she has written. You may even have some words of wisdom to share too!
I’m dead to you. As hard as I try, you constantly negate my feelings. When I attempt to share with you how I feel, you get frustrated. You roll your eyes, you shake your head, you tell me I’m being passive-aggressive. You are always telling me that I’m twisting things around. I’ve shared with you before that I’m afraid to talk with you.
Your solution to the problem “if you are afraid to talk to me, then you should just leave.”
You’ve told me before that this is just a failed experiment.
You’ve shared how unhappy you are. You always think I have something against you. You don’t see me as an equal.
As soon as I started to share with you my frustration with being up all night folding clothes, you responded with “oh, god forbid you fold clothes”
Yes, I walked away at that point. I am tired of being spoken to in that way. I will no longer accept the state of our relationship as it stands now. It is unhealthy for us. It is unhealthy for our children. I refuse to allow myself or our children to be subject to this kind of life.
At one point, you went for days without talking to me. You were sick, you didn’t sleep. “All the colors seemed to fade”
Where is that man? Where is the man who was crazy about me?
I am dead to you.
I refuse to be dead to myself or our children. I will do what is necessary to continue to move forward in my life. I will continue to do what is best for my children.
You do not listen to me. You no longer share joy with me. You no longer wish to be a productive player in this game. You tear me down. You diminish my spirit. You always look for the wrong in what I’ve done. You never give positive feedback. It’s always what I’ve done wrong. Your words are like knives … I will no longer allow them to hit me. Your tongue will cause no more wounds to me. I am bigger. I am stronger.
I will not be broken by you.
You will respect me. You will honor me. You will cherish me. You will encourage me. You will support me. You will love me. You will care about me. You will be excited for me. You will make a real effort to be what you need to be in our relationship.
You will no longer use excuses to get out of dealing with hard issues. You will no longer call me names. You will no longer cut me down. You will no longer cuss at me. You will no longer degrade, berate me. You will no longer get away with making me feel crazy. You will no longer allow me to feel diminished.
You will lift me up. You will cherish what I bring to this family. You will back me up. You will be open to learning new things. You will be open to handling things in a better, healthier way. You will be open to facing your fears. You will be open to facing yourself. You will be open to dealing with your own pain. You will allow me to be there with you. You will allow me to step inside.
You will no longer have a wall up. You will no longer take the wind out of my sails. You will no longer beat me down.
You will be selfless and not the opposite. You will be understanding and not the opposite. You will show me that I am important to your life and your world. You will show our children how a husband should treat his wife. You will break free of your abusive patterns. You will make change. You will change. You will let me walk by your side. You will tell me you’re sorry when you know you’ve hurt me.
You will show me that I am not dead to you. You will not be dead. You will rise above yourself and your hurt and your fears. You will be an example to your children and family. You will be the man you should be for your family.
You will no longer believe I am dead. You will see me as light. You will see me as worthy. You will hurt when you see me hurting. You will make me feel better. You will lift me up. You will encourage without abuse. You will encourage without humiliation. You will encourage without inflicting pain.
You will not break me.
© 2011 Anonymous