I recently received this letter from a woman I know very well. Though her comments are raw, they are real and what many women experience. She has determined to allow a greater strength than herself to be her power. Her life is changing! I asked her permission to post this writing and she agreed for me to share. I believe others will connect with what she has written. You may even have some words of wisdom to share too!
I’m dead to you. As hard as I try, you constantly negate my feelings. When I attempt to share with you how I feel, you get frustrated. You roll your eyes, you shake your head, you tell me I’m being passive-aggressive. You are always telling me that I’m twisting things around. I’ve shared with you before that I’m afraid to talk with you.
Your solution to the problem “if you are afraid to talk to me, then you should just leave.”
You’ve told me before that this is just a failed experiment.
You’ve shared how unhappy you are. You always think I have something against you. You don’t see me as an equal.
As soon as I started to share with you my frustration with being up all night folding clothes, you responded with “oh, god forbid you fold clothes”
Yes, I walked away at that point. I am tired of being spoken to in that way. I will no longer accept the state of our relationship as it stands now. It is unhealthy for us. It is unhealthy for our children. I refuse to allow myself or our children to be subject to this kind of life.
At one point, you went for days without talking to me. You were sick, you didn’t sleep. “All the colors seemed to fade”
Where is that man? Where is the man who was crazy about me?
I am dead to you.
I refuse to be dead to myself or our children. I will do what is necessary to continue to move forward in my life. I will continue to do what is best for my children.
You do not listen to me. You no longer share joy with me. You no longer wish to be a productive player in this game. You tear me down. You diminish my spirit. You always look for the wrong in what I’ve done. You never give positive feedback. It’s always what I’ve done wrong. Your words are like knives … I will no longer allow them to hit me. Your tongue will cause no more wounds to me. I am bigger. I am stronger.
I will not be broken by you.
You will respect me. You will honor me. You will cherish me. You will encourage me. You will support me. You will love me. You will care about me. You will be excited for me. You will make a real effort to be what you need to be in our relationship.
You will no longer use excuses to get out of dealing with hard issues. You will no longer call me names. You will no longer cut me down. You will no longer cuss at me. You will no longer degrade, berate me. You will no longer get away with making me feel crazy. You will no longer allow me to feel diminished.
You will lift me up. You will cherish what I bring to this family. You will back me up. You will be open to learning new things. You will be open to handling things in a better, healthier way. You will be open to facing your fears. You will be open to facing yourself. You will be open to dealing with your own pain. You will allow me to be there with you. You will allow me to step inside.
You will no longer have a wall up. You will no longer take the wind out of my sails. You will no longer beat me down.
You will be selfless and not the opposite. You will be understanding and not the opposite. You will show me that I am important to your life and your world. You will show our children how a husband should treat his wife. You will break free of your abusive patterns. You will make change. You will change. You will let me walk by your side. You will tell me you’re sorry when you know you’ve hurt me.
You will show me that I am not dead to you. You will not be dead. You will rise above yourself and your hurt and your fears. You will be an example to your children and family. You will be the man you should be for your family.
You will no longer believe I am dead. You will see me as light. You will see me as worthy. You will hurt when you see me hurting. You will make me feel better. You will lift me up. You will encourage without abuse. You will encourage without humiliation. You will encourage without inflicting pain.
You will not break me.
© 2011 Anonymous
4 Comments on No Longer Dead
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Thank you for your comments. I respect you for the strong stand you take on this subject. Being a woman who lived more than 40 years of my life with narcissistic people and attempting to find love in those non-relationships, I agree with almost all of what you wrote. I need to add before saying anything else, that though no one should emotionally or physically batter another, it happens every day. It happens to the best of us, to those of all economic levels. It does not choose its prey by status or race. It is prevalent in our homes, Christian and non-Christian.
One comment that I do not fully agree with is your recommendation to “not seek pastoral or priest care” in this time. I do understand and agree that MANY times, these people will guide you to stay in a marriage that is unhealthy and dangerous to emotional and physical well-being. I believe this type of advice stems from a lack of understanding of the circumstances and the truth written in the Bible. I believe Jesus did not look well upon oppressors and those who stole life from others. In fact, Jesus was a great advocate for women in their protection from abuse and oppression. When you consider Jesus example of love, justice and protection for women, it is heat-wrenching that those in positions of authority in the church, continue advising women to remain in abusive relationships. Yet, I know first-hand it is a truth. While I do believe there are those who are misguided by these leaders in the churches, I believe we each have a responsibility to choose wisely the circle of advisors from whom we accept guidance. In a time as this, we need people rallying around us who know the truth, love us from unselfish hearts and hold us accountable to the ONE truth.
Not being accepted after leaving these types of relationships causes greater “outcast” mentality. When I finally pulled up my bootstraps and decided for a better life, it took me a while to really understand that I was not all the things that had been said to me in those non-relationships and by those who judged my decisions. The ONE thing that kept me centered through obstacles and continued abuse, even after I separated myself from it, was seeking a personal and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, my higher power. I learned that I was truly loved, NOT from what someone told me, but from what I understood from a thirst to know. I researched and studied the Bible on my own, so I would know the truth personally.
I do believe it is very wise to be sure who you choose to connect with in your safe and confidential circle. That is sometimes hard to determine when you are in such a state of desperation and with no real identity. That is when wolves can come in and devour one, and our churches are not free from wolves. With that said, I do believe there are many women and men who have a heart to help one another and share the compassion and wisdom they have gained by experiencing these circumstances themselves. I personally know many in the “true church” who are a voice for women in abusive relationships. It is to the detriment of people’s lives and to the “true church” that those who are in positions of authority are teaching and guiding from a false truth. In the Bible, we learn this has been present since the beginning of the church. It is why it is crucial for us to seek the truth above all else and stand up as a true voice.
I asked a woman recently who has been emotionally and physically battered which was worse. She said the physical is temporary, the emotional is longer lasting and more damaging because it gets inside of you! . Personally, I agree.
I respect your comments and your strong devotion to being a voice for women! I believe if a person–man or woman, is in an abusive relationship, they need to separate themselves from it for a time. It is generally only in reflection that we can see the truth.
This could have been written by myself, word for word! AMAZING! HEARTBREAKING! TRAGIC! Good for her! She’s standing up for herself and letting him know she will no longer tolerate his current behavior and treatment of her. She will no longer accept and allow his abuse of her. Unfortunately, what she is dealing with is a total narcissist! Or better yet, megalomaniac. A word that basically means ‘narcissist on steroids’! Or at least, that is my definition. I must say I wish her well and I pray her marriage can be saved. But, it has been my experience with a man this flawed there is no future. The only thing, I believe that could save a marriage to a man such as this is a miracle! YES! I said MIRACLE! God can intercede and repair anything! But the husband must first acknowledge his disorder and realize he’s in the wrong. And anyone who has experience with a narcissist/megalomanic will tell you…….”Not gonna happen”! Living with someone like this kills you a little day by day. And in my experience the narcissist male only becomes even more amplified as the years go by. Living with a man like this is nothing short of a roller coaster ride in hell! Sorry, to be so blunt……but it’s the truth! I feel her pain as though it’s my own……..because it was……..years ago. My gut is clenched reading what she wrote and I am brought to tears. I know and understand her pain. I shall pray for her and her family. She must get a support system, people she can trust. I pray she finds her way out and has peace and comfort now. Allison, I would love to know how she’s doing…..if that’s possible. Deja vu. The word that comes to mind at this moment. And I love your comment Allison. I am in agreement……I’d rather be beaten every day than have to endure 1 day of emotional/verbal abuse! You can never fully rid yourself of the after effects. The internal scars are always there. With the help and guidance of God and therapy one can recover. But it is always a part of you. It never fully disappears. Or at least that is my experience. And to try to learn to trust again…….so very very difficult!