Helping Women Flourish in Life, Relationships, and Dreams
We sat in the floor of my small bedroom thumbing through the pages of an old photo album of my past life. Images that showed smiling faces everywhere. Smiles, all smiles. Everything looked like a beautiful life.
As we turned the pages, I pointed out the people he knows, but would not recognize in their earlier ages. He was so interested in learning about them. And then, it was as if the world stopped for both of us.
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Anytime a soldier goes into battle, you can bet he is going to have his war clothes on. Wouldn’t you? If you are anything like me, you have found yourself going into battle without even knowing what personal war clothes were. If you were to ask me, “Hey Allie, have you got your war clothes on?” I might have looked at you like you were crazy! But today, I know what war clothes are and I learned when you step foot out of your bed, it’s best to have them on. We don’t want to get caught in a battle without them. So what am I saying? Let me tell you a story.
Several years ago I was in the middle of a huge legal battle. A girlfriend of mine wrote some words down on a card for me about a week before I had to be in court and said, “Allie, bury these words in your heart. If you do, you will be prepared for battle.” That sounded perfect to me. I read the words on the card and held them against my heart claiming, “These are my truth today.” I don’t know about you, but court rooms and lawyers used to intimidate me. My exposure with lawyers was extensive, yet I still felt a great fear in their presence. In past experiences I felt belittled, condemned and invalidated.
So on this day, I gathered my files, my portfolio and my index cards with the words that sustained me, my war clothes! I drove to the lawyer’s office, went in and sat in a room alone with my attorney (more…)
I recently received this letter from a woman I know very well. Though her comments are raw, they are real and what many women experience. She has determined to allow a greater strength than herself to be her power. Her life is changing! I asked her permission to post this writing and she agreed for me to share. I believe others will connect with what she has written. You may even have some words of wisdom to share too!
I’m dead to you. As hard as I try, you constantly negate my feelings. When I attempt to share with you how I feel, you get frustrated. You roll your eyes, you shake your head, you tell me I’m being passive-aggressive. You are always telling me that I’m twisting things around. I’ve shared with you before that I’m afraid to talk with you.
Your solution to the problem “if you are afraid to talk to me, then you should just leave.”
You’ve told me before that this is just a failed experiment.
You’ve shared how unhappy you are. You always think I have something against you. You don’t see me as an equal.
As soon as I started to share with you my frustration with being up all night folding clothes, you responded with “oh, god forbid you fold clothes”
Yes, I walked away at that point. I am tired of being spoken to in that way. I will no longer accept the state of our relationship as it stands now. It is unhealthy for us. It is unhealthy for our children. I refuse to allow myself or our children to be subject to this kind of life.
At one point, you went for days without talking to me. You were sick, you didn’t sleep. “All the colors seemed to fade”
Where is that man? Where is the man who was crazy about me?
I am dead to you.
I refuse to be dead to myself or our children. I will do what is necessary to continue to move forward in my life. I will continue to do what is best for my children.
You do not listen to me. You no longer share joy with me. You no longer wish to be a productive player in this game. You tear me down. You diminish my spirit. You always look for the wrong in what I’ve done. You never give positive feedback. It’s always what I’ve done wrong. Your words are like knives … I will no longer allow them to hit me. Your tongue will cause no more wounds to me. I am bigger. I am stronger.
I will not be broken by you.
You will respect me. You will honor me. You will cherish me. You will encourage me. You will support me. You will love me. You will care about me. You will be excited for me. You will make a real effort to be what you need to be in our relationship.
You will no longer use excuses to get out of dealing with hard issues. You will no longer call me names. You will no longer cut me down. You will no longer cuss at me. You will no longer degrade, berate me. You will no longer get away with making me feel crazy. You will no longer allow me to feel diminished.
You will lift me up. You will cherish what I bring to this family. You will back me up. You will be open to learning new things. You will be open to handling things in a better, healthier way. You will be open to facing your fears. You will be open to facing yourself. You will be open to dealing with your own pain. You will allow me to be there with you. You will allow me to step inside.
You will no longer have a wall up. You will no longer take the wind out of my sails. You will no longer beat me down.
You will be selfless and not the opposite. You will be understanding and not the opposite. You will show me that I am important to your life and your world. You will show our children how a husband should treat his wife. You will break free of your abusive patterns. You will make change. You will change. You will let me walk by your side. You will tell me you’re sorry when you know you’ve hurt me.
You will show me that I am not dead to you. You will not be dead. You will rise above yourself and your hurt and your fears. You will be an example to your children and family. You will be the man you should be for your family.
You will no longer believe I am dead. You will see me as light. You will see me as worthy. You will hurt when you see me hurting. You will make me feel better. You will lift me up. You will encourage without abuse. You will encourage without humiliation. You will encourage without inflicting pain.
You will not break me.
© 2011 Anonymous
Last August, I attended the “Grand New Day” conference put on by Women of Faith. Steve Arterburn’s sister, Marilyn, spoke about pre-marital counseling. She told an interesting story, which I hope I recall the details of to share with you.
Lester and Lucy were a couple who had recently married and as they were getting all moved in to their new home, Lester commented about all the boxes they each possessed. Lucy asked Lester what was inside of all his boxes and he answered that it was just “stuff.” She said, “Let’s play a game. Let’s open a box and take one piece of “stuff” out of the box and talk about that one piece.” So, Lester agreed and proceeded to open a box taking out a piece of “stuff.”The first piece of stuff was a gift he had received from his mother years ago. He told Lucy all about the conflict in his relationship with his mother, and how at a young age he left home, lied about his age and enrolled in the army. When he was at strongest odds with his mom and away on duty, he met and married a girl from whom he was now divorced. “Oh . . .” Lucy said slowly and surprised. Then Lester wanted Lucy to share a piece of “stuff.” In agreement, she pulled out her piece of “stuff,” which was a photograph of herself and two of her high school friends. She began to tell Lester about the girls. “When I was a girl I got pregnant and my two friends helped me get an abortion . . .” Before she could finish her story, Lester was already backing away from her. He could not believe what he was hearing, “An abortion?”
In the beginning of the story Lester and Lucy were doing pretty well freely giving grace to one another, but when things came out that were shocking to the other, Lester began to back away, just like he had done with his mother and previous wife.
This story can resonate in so many of our own lives. All we need to do is change the names. There are so many wounds that we carry in our own hearts causing us to respond to other people’s heartache from a condemning and judgmental attitude. Somehow we get it into our heads that we are better than the other person. This is a false truth that we are living in. I love the scripture that teaches us to “Take the LOG out of your own eye before you attempt to remove a SPECK from another persons eye.” Those words alone should ring deep within each of our hearts. How many times have you said, “Look at her, thinking she looks so good” or “I can’t believe she is doing that, I would NEVER do that” and then you find yourself two weeks later, doing exactly what you said you would not do!
I am thankful we have a merciful God and He forgives us for the absolute rubbish that comes from our mouths. There was a time in my life where it did not matter what came out of my mouth. I freely spoke, criticized and made fun of people. Praise God that He has a way to tame that little muscle in our mouths training it, through the heart, to speak on things that are pure and lovely and encouraging, trustworthy, noble, uplifting and praiseworthy (see Philippians 4:8).
We read throughout the scriptures, that when Jesus Christ endured the cross and died a sinners death, we were forgiven of our wrongs and trespasses against God. What is it that prevents many from believing God? We are forgiven! It is left in our hands to accept His forgiveness. God will never force that upon us. In the same way that we are forgiven, we are to forgive others. In fact, the scriptures tell us in very specific words, when you forgive another of his wrongs, he is forgiven in the sight of God!
“If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.” 2 Corinthians 2:5-7 (NIV)
Suggested Scripture Reading: Luke 6:42; 2 Corinthians 2:5-7; Matthew 6:12
I had been working in the yard for a few hours and decided to take a break and have a tangerine. I love a cold tangerine! I plopped down into a comfy chair on the deck, put my feet up and preceded to to peel the tangerine. I started at the bottom and peeled and peeled and peeled. It takes time as you know. As I was peeling I thought about us – us being me, you, people. I thought about how once we accept Christ He works on us kind of like I am working on this tangerine. He starts with the first layer, the hardest layer. Maybe the layer is anger, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, unworthiness, fear, sexual addiction – well there are many more examples but you understand what I am saying. Anyway, it takes time and sometimes the pieces don’t want to come off but he continues to work on us, never leaving, caring and loving. Finally the hard shell is gone but what is that? A softer covering that has to be peeled away and just to tease us we see the wonderful fruit peeking through here and there! So what is all of this? I thought I was doing so well! Is it gossip, white lies, taking something that isn’t mine? I pray for God to help me and He does, He continues to peel and peel and peel. He loves me and shows me that as He tenderly works on me. Suddenly there it is! The fruit, beautiful, colorful, a gift. But what is this – tiny little pieces that didn’t come off. Its ok though because I know God will take care of that too! So that’s what I thought about while I was sitting on the deck having a tangerine!
©2011 Debbie Downs