I had been working in the yard for a few hours and decided to take a break and have a tangerine. I love a cold tangerine! I plopped down into a comfy chair on the deck, put my feet up and preceded to to peel the tangerine. I started at the bottom and peeled and peeled and peeled. It takes time as you know. As I was peeling I thought about us – us being me, you, people. I thought about how once we accept Christ He works on us kind of like I am working on this tangerine. He starts with the first layer, the hardest layer. Maybe the layer is anger, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, unworthiness, fear, sexual addiction – well there are many more examples but you understand what I am saying. Anyway, it takes time and sometimes the pieces don’t want to come off but he continues to work on us, never leaving, caring and loving. Finally the hard shell is gone but what is that? A softer covering that has to be peeled away and just to tease us we see the wonderful fruit peeking through here and there! So what is all of this? I thought I was doing so well! Is it gossip, white lies, taking something that isn’t mine? I pray for God to help me and He does, He continues to peel and peel and peel. He loves me and shows me that as He tenderly works on me. Suddenly there it is! The fruit, beautiful, colorful, a gift. But what is this – tiny little pieces that didn’t come off. Its ok though because I know God will take care of that too! So that’s what I thought about while I was sitting on the deck having a tangerine!
It wasn’t anything I did. It was not from my strength or my effort at all. I had no control over what was happening to my life and me anymore. This time I would not win the battle of being in control over myself. I had chosen before not to be involved in certain activities I believed were bad for me, but mostly because I didn’t want to be out of control of my life. I had a long history of making sure I made decisions ensuring I would be in control of my life.
My part of this was over. I would no longer be the one making the decisions for my life. It looked awful, I left everything I had and the one man I thought loved me more than life itself. I had no idea what was happening and it was very scary. I traveled more than ten thousand miles alone, hoping to get where I was going in safety, knowing that I was deeply suffering a takeover in my life. In retrospect, four years later, I see that I was brought to my knees. I was being hotly pursued by God, who would not take no for an answer. He was drawing me to Him and the closer I got, even though I did not understand, the more I wanted to be closer!
I will never forget that day and the freedom that washed over me. I had lived the past with so much guilt and shame and such a deep sense of unworthiness that when I received this amazing gift of freedom, I knew that it had to be something greater than myself. It was like every weight that had held me back was lifted off of me. I did not have the stress and anxiety from all the circumstances surrounding my life. It really was like a miracle to me. I was going through one of the hardest times in my life and I had this sense of peace I cannot describe in words.
I became so thirsty too. You know the commercials they used to run for Bounty® paper towels? They would pour two pools of water on the counter and use Bounty® paper towels and another leading brand to show how much more absorbent bounty towels were. It was like I was a Bounty® paper towel on speed! I was so thirsty to learn about God. I spent hours, months, years buried in the Bible, seeking to know Him on a deeper level.
I wanted to be around other people who had gone through the same experience that I did and I prayed that God would bring those people into my life. He blessed my life immensely by bringing people into my life that had received this same gift. We all began to study together, sing together, praise and show love toward God together. The more I read God’s Word, the more I knew me. Knowing more about myself helped me to understand why I had gone through the circumstances that I had and even more so, why God had chosen to rescue me from the life that brought me such pain. Through learning about Him, I learned my life’s purpose.
Though I grew up attending church a minimum of three days a week, had the privilege of going to a Christian school and college and I married those who professed to be Christians, I never knew what the true meaning of being a Christian was until God rescued me from myself. Really, to me that is what it is all about. He is the One who created us, He knows everything about us, our needs, our thoughts, our desires; but we think we know better, so guess what? Because God offers free will, He allows us to walk this path of destruction until one day we are at such a low point and in such a state of desperation that we fall on our knees and say, okay Lord . . . Enough, I’m yours, take me, I can’t do this anymore, I surrender, I’m sorry, please just help me!
Our life continues, but this part of the journey is now with God at the helm as we choose to follow His lead. The gift of freedom from the life of our past is great, and we are amazed by it, but we soon realize that what we did against God was so hurtful to Him and we go through a metamorphic sense of remorse turning us from all the things we used to do out of a heart of love for Him! This time we have this super strength that we did not have before because we are depending on Christ for our strength, not ourselves.
As God’s children, the promises to us are many. The biggest part of those promises being fulfilled is believing God! Many believe in Him, but those who believe Him for who He is, what He can do, who we are in Him, that He is our strength, and His words truly become alive and active in us, will see God’s faithfulness to His promises.
Through reading His word, we become wiser and are able to share the love He gives us with a confidence that is once again indescribable. It is not an arrogance; it is actually a confidence with humility! We are able to determine a better and more fulfilling way to live and our eyes are opened to a new perspective that only God can provide to us.
The most amazing and faith-building part of it is that everything we have done that was opposed to Him is taken and used for good so others may see how Almighty, Magnificent and Glorious He is. He does it all in such a beautiful way that the finger points to Him through our lives! That is how He then uses us as tools for Him!
Salvation is freedom. Salvation is assurance that we will live in communion with God forever. Salvation is knowing that God loves us without reservation and there is nothing we can do to earn that love. It is a free gift! We learn to accept His gifts and His love. From that love, He heals our wounds, the wounds of those in our families, our neighbors and those who are in our circle of influence. We begin to have a passion to know His heart and desire only to be filled with His desires, not our own. He has brought us home and we receive what is a glimpse of the promise of remaining with him eternally, knowing we are always a work in progress. We know that all things in our lives are perfectly orchestrated by the Creator of this world. We know that with Him we can overcome. We know that there is nothing that can stop us if God is for us and we have a confidence, a peace, and a wisdom that others desire deeply. This is the salvation I have received.
I work now for God each day in all I do. It is the most amazing life I have ever had and I look forward to the day when I can ask why I had to go through almost 40 years of stubbornness, arrogance and self-righteousness before I would let Him take control of my life.
The experiences I had in my past life are now turned around working for God. I offer a support group for women going through relationship brokenness that stems from abuse and addiction. I write and speak to share the truth about Jesus Christ and I am a Certified Christian Life Coach. I do all this out of a heart of love, knowing that there are others out there just like me, who need someone to keep them focused while holding them accountable. In this way many others will know Him deeper and grow to be all that God created them to be!
Our God is great, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and I am a living, walking, breathing example of one of His true miracles!
I remember very well the afternoon I met him. I considered myself to be looking pretty good; my hair was freshly washed and smelling great, you know that smell. My makeup was meticulously applied and I felt beautiful. I had been to church earlier that day, so when I received the phone call from my girlfriend to meet her and another friend to sit outside on the patio for lunch at Cabo Wabo’s, I quickly said, “Yes!” I was excited to see her and be out socializing. I’m sure somewhere in my mind I thought I might meet Prince Charming too!
I hurried home to change my clothes and very carefully chose a pair of black shorts and white t-shirt. I also chose a pair of 70’s style open-toe clogs- you know, the ones with the wooden sole. I was pleased with the way I looked, and it showed through the spring in my step.
I jumped in my car with great anticipation of the afternoon to come, without having any idea what would come. After greeting my friends and ordering water, I excused myself to the restroom. I had been observing that most of the girls there were minus an important undergarment, and because of my great need to fit in, what did I do? Yep, I followed and removed mine! Upon exiting from the restroom, I passed by this gorgeous man whom had already caught my attention when I first arrived. He stopped me and asked me my name, told me how beautiful I was and after we flirted for a moment, I excused myself.
The time with my friends was good. We listened to one another’s sagas and tried to resolve world problems. After a fattening lunch of yummy fat french fries and hot wings, we decided to share a pitcher of margaritas. I had never been much of a drinker, so it didn’t take much for the alcohol to begin its affects on me. A mid-afternoon lunch quickly turned into a late evening dance party with the very attractive man. Intoxicated, laughing, dancing and singing felt great and they were a welcome distraction from the life of single mom, career and homeowner responsibilities.
As closing time approached, the gorgeous guy, asked me why someone as beautiful and fun as me was not married. My answer, “Been there, done that, not interested.” From that moment began a two-and-a-half year tumultuous relationship, between a guy that looked great on the outside and a gal that had everything in the right places, but on the inside, both were broken to pieces and on the prowl for someone to love.
As much as I began to care for and love him, my love came from a place of old wounds, which had not healed or had the attention so desperately needed. After a short time, we ended up living together, he moved in with me. His humor and silliness were complimentary to my serious personality. After time, I began to recognize I had made a terrible mistake, I had taken another child to raise in addition to my two daughters, ages six and eleven at the time.
We all went through very tough times. He knew no boundaries and I expected him to be everything and meet every need for my girls and me. Because I was living out of deep wounds from my past and my inability to see my own waywardness, I was restricted from realizing was broken before it ever started. Eventually, the lens we each lived life from took control of us and we parted ways, leaving pieces of our hearts with one another.
Fast forward 13 years, when I returned to the United States from Australia. I was alone, completely broken and in a marriage that was falling apart. I had not seen or spoken with this gorgeous guy other than a time when he tried to get me to meet him out, a few other times when he called to tell me about exciting events in his life and a meeting with him to handle some legal documents! It was now December and thirteen years later while I was convalescing at my mom’s after an emotional crash with a probable divorce on the horizon that he made another appearance in my life.
It was early one morning that he showed up at the door. Mom was still sleeping and I was the only other person there. I opened the door and politely invited him in. He didn’t look at all like I remembered. In fact, after great reflection on this day, I realize it wasn’t him that had changed, it was me. He wanted to be close . . . he was touchy and I was very uncomfortable continuously moving out of his reach. Ten years earlier, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him. That day, I couldn’t wait to get away from him. I took my stand and claimed my boundaries. He reluctantly withdrew and after I strategically moved us outside we said our goodbyes.
When I look back at this event in my life and carry it forward, I realize how much I have changed. I realize this was a test of my commitment to God and not to yield to temptation. Today, I see how God was showing me I can do all things through His strength, but I have to choose.
I believe God strategically arranged the timing of my visit with him. I had recently come to God in deep sorrow for the ways I had hurt Him in my previous life and asked Him to help me live right. I gave my whole heart to God to reshape, reform and renew and as a result I had a deep desire to honor Him. Because of the exciting physical relationship previously shared between the gorgeous guy and me, I could have taken this perfect opportunity to become engaged with him again. Instead, there was something greater in my life and I chose to honor my commitment to God and myself. It rattled me, it put me on a fence, but the victory was won and I overcame through choosing to depend on Christ’s strength.
The difference in these two times was the foundation for my life. I no longer sought my value and worth to be filled through a man. My house was being built on solid rock and I knew my Father in heaven was the only opinion that mattered. Out of my love for Him, it was my wish to bring honor and glory to His name. I am amazed at the way this story happened in my life, more about the way I was shown clearly how God was in the finest details of this entire situation for more than 13 years and I didn’t really see it until after the fact!
What consequences have you suffered by not allowing yourself time to heal before jumping into a new relationship?
Have you seen events that have come full circle in your life where you are able to give God the glory?
I pray for you that you will begin to see the goodness and greatness of God in your life. Ask Him to show you and He will my friend. I am living proof!
I had been working in the yard for a few hours and decided to take a break and have a tangerine. I love a cold tangerine! I plopped down into a comfy chair on the deck, put my feet up and preceded to to peel the tangerine. I started at the bottom and peeled and peeled and peeled. It takes time as you know. As I was peeling I thought about us – us being me, you, people. I thought about how once we accept Christ He works on us kind of like I am working on this tangerine. He starts with the first layer, the hardest layer. Maybe the layer is anger, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, unworthiness, fear, sexual addiction – well there are many more examples but you understand what I am saying. Anyway, it takes time and sometimes the pieces don’t want to come off but he continues to work on us, never leaving, caring and loving. Finally the hard shell is gone but what is that? A softer covering that has to be peeled away and just to tease us we see the wonderful fruit peeking through here and there! So what is all of this? I thought I was doing so well! Is it gossip, white lies, taking something that isn’t mine? I pray for God to help me and He does, He continues to peel and peel and peel. He loves me and shows me that as He tenderly works on me. Suddenly there it is! The fruit, beautiful, colorful, a gift. But what is this – tiny little pieces that didn’t come off. Its ok though because I know God will take care of that too! So that’s what I thought about while I was sitting on the deck having a tangerine!