Allison M. Miller

I remember very well the afternoon I met him. I considered myself to be looking pretty good; my hair was freshly washed and smelling great, you know that smell. My makeup was meticulously applied and I felt beautiful. I had been to church earlier that day, so when I received the phone call from my girlfriend to meet her and another friend to sit outside on the patio for lunch at Cabo Wabo’s, I quickly said, “Yes!” I was excited to see her and be out socializing. I’m sure somewhere in my mind I thought I might meet Prince Charming too!

I hurried home to change my clothes and very carefully chose a pair of black shorts and white t-shirt. I also chose a pair of 70’s style open-toe clogs- you know, the ones with the wooden sole. I was pleased with the way I looked, and it showed through the spring in my step.

I jumped in my car with great anticipation of the afternoon to come, without having any idea what would come.  After greeting my friends and ordering water, I excused myself to the restroom. I had been observing that most of the girls there were minus an important undergarment, and because of my great need to fit in, what did I do? Yep, I followed and removed mine! Upon exiting from the restroom, I passed by this gorgeous man whom had already caught my attention when I first arrived. He stopped me and asked me my name, told me how beautiful I was and after we flirted for a moment, I excused myself.

The time with my friends was good. We listened to one another’s sagas and tried to resolve world problems. After a fattening lunch of yummy fat french fries and hot wings, we decided to share a pitcher of margaritas. I had never been much of a drinker, so it didn’t take much for the alcohol to begin its affects on me. A mid-afternoon lunch quickly turned into a late evening dance party with the very attractive man. Intoxicated, laughing, dancing and singing felt great and they were a welcome distraction from the life of single mom, career and homeowner responsibilities.

As closing time approached, the gorgeous guy, asked me why someone as beautiful and fun as me was not married. My answer, “Been there, done that, not interested.” From that moment began a two-and-a-half year tumultuous relationship, between a guy that looked great on the outside and a gal that had everything in the right places, but on the inside, both were broken to pieces and on the prowl for someone to love.

As much as I began to care for and love him, my love came from a place of old wounds, which had not healed or had the attention so desperately needed. After a short time, we ended up living together, he moved in with me. His humor and silliness were complimentary to my serious personality. After time, I began to recognize I had made a terrible mistake, I had taken another child to raise in addition to my two daughters, ages six and eleven at the time.

We all went through very tough times. He knew no boundaries and I expected him to be everything and meet every need for my girls and me. Because I was living out of  deep wounds from my past and my inability to see my own waywardness, I was restricted  from realizing was broken before it ever started. Eventually, the lens we each lived life from took control of us and we parted ways, leaving pieces of our hearts with one another.

Fast forward 13 years, when I returned to the United States from Australia. I was alone, completely broken and in a marriage that was falling apart.  I had not seen or spoken with this gorgeous guy other than a time when he tried to get me to meet him out, a few other times when he  called to tell me about exciting events in his life and a meeting with him to handle some legal documents! It was now December and thirteen years later while I was convalescing at my mom’s after an emotional crash with a probable divorce on the horizon that he made another appearance in my life.

It was early one morning that he showed up at the door. Mom was still sleeping and I was the only other person there. I opened the door and politely invited him in. He didn’t look at all like I remembered. In fact, after great reflection on this day, I realize it wasn’t  him that had changed, it was me. He wanted to be close . . . he was touchy and I was very uncomfortable continuously moving out of his reach. Ten years earlier, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him. That day, I couldn’t wait to get away from him. I took my stand and claimed my boundaries. He reluctantly withdrew and after I strategically moved us outside we said our goodbyes.

When I look back at this event in my life  and carry it forward, I realize how much I have changed. I realize this was a test of my commitment to God and not to yield to temptation. Today, I see how God was showing me I can do all things through His strength, but I have to choose.

I believe God strategically arranged the timing of my visit with him.  I had recently come to God in deep sorrow for the ways I had hurt Him in my previous life and asked Him to help me live right. I gave my whole heart to God to reshape, reform and renew and as a result I had a deep desire to honor  Him. Because of the exciting physical relationship previously shared between the gorgeous guy and me, I could have taken this perfect opportunity to become engaged with him again. Instead, there was something greater in my life and I chose to honor my commitment to God and myself. It rattled me, it put me on a fence, but the victory was won and I overcame through choosing to depend on Christ’s strength.

The difference in these two times was the foundation for my life. I no longer sought my value and worth to be filled through a man. My house was being built on solid rock and I knew my Father in heaven was the only opinion that mattered.  Out of my love for Him, it was my wish to bring honor and glory to His name.  I am amazed at the way this story happened in my life, more about the way I was shown clearly how God was in the finest details of this entire situation for more than 13 years and I didn’t really see it until after the fact!

What consequences have you suffered by not allowing yourself time to heal before jumping into a new relationship?

Have you seen events that have come full circle in your life where you are able to give God the glory?

I pray for you that you will begin to see the goodness and greatness of God in your life. Ask Him to show you and He will my friend.  I am living proof!

How great is our God!